


A Discovery

by angelcatsiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Reader-Insert, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-02-06
Packaged: 2018-03-10 16:42:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3297332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelcatsiel/pseuds/angelcatsiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Request: Castiel is the reader's boyfriend, and sees the self harm cuts and scars on her wrist while they're cuddling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Discovery

**Author's Note:**

> This was a request on my tumblr but it meant a lot to me personally too, and it helped me a lot just writing it. So I'm hoping maybe it'll help someone else, even just a little bit.

A rush of air and the flapping of wings announced your angel’s presence, and you smiled, jumping to your feet from where you had been sat on the couch. “Cas! You’re back!” You threw your arms around the angel, and heard him chuckle, returning the gesture.

The only downside to your celestial boyfriend; he was constantly away doing some important task in Heaven, leaving you alone without seeing him, sometimes for days at a time. These long periods of loneliness, despite often being interrupted by Sam and Dean or by hunting, were always hard on you, and it wasn’t unusual for you to slip into relapse. Castiel didn’t know what you did to yourself though, while he was gone. In fact, no one knew. It wasn’t exactly an easy topic to bring up, and no one could help you. So you concealed the scars, your arms covered with long sleeves even in warm weather. You feared what would happen if you and Castiel wanted to take your relationship further, but for now he seemed in no hurry, and you weren’t too worried.

“How are you, Y/N?” Castiel asked. You pulled back slightly from the hug to kiss him softly on the lips.

“I’m good now you’re here,” you admitted with a grin, kissing him again. “I was about to watch a movie, actually. Sam and Dean went out to the library. You want to watch the movie with me?”

Cas nodded, tucking a stray strand of your hair behind your ear. “I would like that. I’ve missed you, Y/N.”

“Missed you too,” you replied, giving Cas one last kiss on the cheek this time before turning back to where you had been about to set up the movie. Now that Cas was here you decided to watch it in your room instead, so you’d have some privacy if the boys returned early. You grabbed the movie and the bowl of popcorn you’d prepared that sat on the table, handing it to Cas. Grabbing his free hand, you led the angel towards your room.

Soon you were settled on the bed, and you leaned against Cas as the movie started. You were less than twenty minutes in when you found that both of you seemed to have slipped down somehow until you were almost lying on the bed, Castiel’s arms around you, your head resting on his chest.

You didn’t even notice when you began to drift off, but of course Castiel did. He noticed your weight on his chest get slightly heavier as you relaxed, your breathing evening out, and he could feel your heartbeat from where you lay against him, its rhythm slowing down just a little in your half-asleep state. He smiled as he studied your face, your eyes closed and your features soft and relaxed. He tucked your hair back behind your ear, his free hand brushing gently over your cheek, but you barely stirred.

He adjusted his position a little to try and make you more comfortable, and took your hand in his own, one of his arms still wrapped around you. He lifted your hand gently, and when you still didn’t react, he kissed your fingers softly.

His hand was now holding your wrist, and as his lips brushed your knuckles, he felt something against his thumb; a strange bump of rough texture on the delicate skin of your wrist. Furrowing his brow, Castiel lifted your hand a little more, gently tugging your sleeve down to see, and was shocked at what he found.

A cut. A pretty fresh cut. No, not just one- more. He pulled your sleeve down further, and despite not actually needing to breathe- he was an angel, after all- he gasped out loud as he uncovered your arm. Fresh cuts and old scars criss-crossed your skin, too recent and too perfect to have occurred on hunts, some cuts even overlapping the scars.

Were these… self inflicted? He might not be an expert on human emotions or how they dealt with them, but it was obvious. There was no other way these injuries could have happened. “Oh, Y/N,” he murmured to himself.

The angel’s voice was enough to stir you from your sleep. You lifted your head, blinking sleepily. “What’s wrong, Cas?”

It took a moment for you to wake up fully, and when you did, your stomach suddenly dropped sickeningly. Your sleeve was pushed down. Castiel was holding your wrist. Looking at your arm.

You tried to yank your arm free, but Cas kept hold of it. You sat up quickly, your heart pounding. “Cas, let go!”

This time when you tried to pull away he released his grip, and you hastily tugged your sleeve back down, folding your arms across your stomach. Tears pricked at the back of your eyes, and you tried to blink them away, wrapping your arms even tighter around yourself. You felt physically sick with fear and guilt.

“Y/N,” Cas said after a long moment, causing you to tense up. “Did you do that to yourself?”

You bit your lip. You wanted to speak, to say something, but you knew if you said a single word you wouldn’t be able to hold back the tears.

“Y/N, please tell me,” Cas prompted gently. “I want to understand. I want to help you.”

You shook your head, closing your eyes and taking a deep breath before you allowed yourself to speak. “I…” Your voice was breaking. Dammit. “I can’t stop.”

And that was it. You broke down, the tears finally free, your shoulders shaking as you sobbed. Cas pulled you into his arms, gripping you tightly. “Shh, Y/N, it’s alright. We can sort this out. It’s alright.”

“I’m sorry…”

“No, don’t apologize,” Cas insisted as he placed a delicate kiss on your hair. “I’m the one who’s sorry, Y/N. I should have noticed.”

He held you until you stopped shaking, and even then he kept his arms tight around you as you tried to even out your breathing again. “No, Cas, you don’t need to be sorry,” you said at last, your voice still wobbling, and you cleared your throat. “This is my fault.”

“This isn’t your fault,” he insisted. “Can I see your arm again?”

You tensed, flinching away, and Cas quickly added, “I just want to make sure you’re ok. I need to see if any of them need stitches.”

“They’re fine,” you mumbled, but at his concerned look, you relented, holding out your arm and holding back the tears yet again as he pulled your sleeve back gently.

“I think they’ll be ok,” Cas decided after running his fingers over them softly. “Can you at least tell me why you did it?”

You shrugged, giving Cas a weak, grateful smile as he pulled your sleeve back down, releasing your arm. “It’s just a way of coping. And sometimes I feel like I deserve it. Because I’m weak and pathetic, or sometimes I mess up on hunts, and sometimes I get lonely… and now I just have to do it, even if there’s not much wrong. I can’t stop. I don’t know how.”

To your surprise, Cas didn’t look disgusted or ashamed, or look at you with pity. Instead he frowned thoughtfully. “You need something else. Some other way of coping instead of hurting yourself.”

“Like what?” you asked, leaning against his chest again and closing your eyes as he pulled you close.

“I don’t know,” Cas replied, “but I’ll think of something.”

You smiled, confident that he would. You still felt so, so guilty, but Cas had been so understanding, and it was as though a weight had been lifted from your shoulders.

Castiel slept with you in your room that night, his arms around you, and you simply tried to forget about what had happened. The more you dwelled on it, the more you felt guilty. But you managed to sleep, warm and comfortable with him there. And when you awoke, Castiel was nowhere to be found.

You sat up, your heart suddenly clenching. Had he left again? Or what if he’d tried to ask Sam and Dean for advice? No, they couldn’t know about this, they couldn’t find out…

And then Cas was back, greeting you with a smile. “Good morning, Y/N. Are you alright?”

You nodded, letting out a breath of relief. “I’m ok. I just thought you’d gone again.”

Castiel shook his head, sitting down next to you on the bed. “I’ve been using your laptop, I hope you don’t mind. I’ve been trying to find ways to help you.”

Understanding dawned on you, and you felt yourself tearing up yet again. “Oh Cas, you didn’t have to do that…”

“I found some things that might be useful,” Cas interrupted you. “There are so many things you can try. Some people suggested wearing an elastic band around your wrist and snapping it to cause pain without hurting yourself, or punching a pillow, or filling a box with happy things such as music and chocolate and photos, and other things that make you smile, to look through when you want to hurt yourself.”

You felt Cas tense in surprise when you suddenly threw your arms around him, hugging him tightly. “Do you… think those things will help?” he asked awkwardly. “If you don’t, there were other things…”

You shook your head, silencing him. “Thank you for this, Cas. Thank you so much.”

You released him to kiss him gratefully. “Thank you for not judging me, Cas. For being understanding.”

Cas looked surprised. “Of course I would never judge you, Y/N,” he replied. “I know that this must be a difficult thing to stop. But I’ll help you. I’ll prove to you that you don’t deserve this pain. You deserve to be happy. I love you, Y/N.”

You took both of Castiel’s hands in your own, squeezing them. “I love you too, Cas,” you replied, your heart swelling with happiness. Him finding the cuts might have been awful, but perhaps now, you had the help and understanding you needed to get better. “Thank you. My angel.”


End file.
